Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
