Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
