Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
