Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
