my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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