I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
