I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I woke up under a house in Key West
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
