Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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