i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
