I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
