girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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