what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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