Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
