So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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