I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
