my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
