May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
