Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
