The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
