you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Randomize
