Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Sponge bath it is.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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