it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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