mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
