vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Randomize
