My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
