I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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