I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Randomize
