I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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