Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
