you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
