i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
