At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
