I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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