I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
