I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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