see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
