I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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