she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
