somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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