You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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