somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
