How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
