So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
