Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
