omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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