how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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