She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
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