So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
