I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
