you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
